A Mindless Rant No. 2

               You know what gets my goat these days? You know what abomination that is so evil, that I want to lob at least a thousand Molotov cocktails at, and laugh when it bursts into flames? That's right. Highways. God, I hate highways.

                When you're driving along(say in Vermont, because Vermont is a nice place.) you occaisionly like to look out the window at the countryside. Nice, isn't it?
There's soft rolling hills, cows dolefully muching tufty grass, huge spreading trees filled with twittering birds. Aaaaah. What a peaceful picture that is. A landscape like that could calm even the most psychotic schizophrenic. And then let's place a random six-lane highway there, complete with concrete walls, huge annoying signs and mile high floodlights. Isn't that just a pretty sight? A lovely concrete turd laid across some harmless countryside.

                And naturally, you can't even SEE the hills and cows because of the five foot walls of the hated material known as concrete, obscuring every little bit of the view. Every single bit. Even if the cows were the most morbidly obese cows in the land, you couldn't see them. Why the walls are put there, I can never guess. Are we not allowed to look out the window anymore? Must we only see friggin' concrete and cars, and noxious gas that seeps from family fun-size SUV's? I don't know what the government thinks, but concrete is not a feature of a beautiful landscape. There shouldn't be concrete ANYWHERE, except underground, where I can't see it. Concrete is indeed the devil's crap.

              Another thing about highways. THEY'RE CONFUSING! I mean, in places like Krapville, Ohio or Hogstwiddle, Shropshire,  highways are pretty straightforward. Just drive onto Exit Whatever, keep going for a couple of miles, and you've reached the gas station of your choice. BUT. In large cities like Liverpool, New York, London, Atlantis, the roads turn from resonable to bloody obnoxious. This exit branches off this way and this exit branches off that way. ROAD WORK! ROAD WORK! HOW CAN ANY NORMAL PERSON FOLLOW THAT??
What, do they think we have GPS systems implanted in our brains? Do the highyway people want us to fend for ourselves, and when we find we've strayed off the path, we will be mauled by rabid CHIPMUNKS? I DON'T WANT TO BE BITTEN TO DEATH BY A FURRY WOODLAND ANIMAL! NO! I'd rather be shot by a psycho or jump off a bridge or even be fatally stabbed by a pine needle! I WILL NOT DIE BY A CHIPMUNK! NO FLIPPIN' WAY!!

               Ahem....anyway, HIGHWAYS! God, I hate highways. They're bloody ugly! I don't mind a little two or three lane road, lined with nice trees and grass...I do like a bit of grass. But, keeping up with the fine tradition of incompetence that is the job of the road managers, highways are almost as fugly as an obese sweaty guy playing darts. In a bar. With a Bud-Lite wifebeater t-shirt on. Yeah.
      
               Highways are incredibly horrible. They've surpassed any level of ugly that has ever been established, broken any and every fugly record of fugliness. It's just....amazing. The nasty spaghetti bridges made of smelted steel and DISGUSTING TERRIFYINGLY RANCID CONCRETE! I hate concrete! Whoever invented the vile stuff I want to punch them repeatedly in the gall bladder! Again and again and again and AGAIN! DIE OH IMBECILE INVENTOR OF CONCRETE! And then his spleen will implode and he'll die. There, that makes me much happier now.

               I wouldn't mind concrete so much if it was a different colour, or changed shape, or something that wasn't so horribly uniform. It would be awesome if concrete was bubbly and a light seafoam green, and when you squished it between your fingers hard enough, it would squeak just like a duckling. That's MY version of concrete. Concrete. God strewth, what a sucky name. It sounds like the name of a russian gulag where the prison keepers regularly beat their charges with broken glass. You can get alot from the sound of a word. Concrete sounds depressing and it is depressing. Can't people build highways of shiny aluminum or cute wood? Apparenlty not. Things have to be ugly to be functional, it appears.

             Well, when I become grandmaster supreme leader of the world, there will be no highways or concrete. But for now, we'll have to deal with the dreaded fugly.

                                                              END